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Cotswolds

Cotswolds

Johnny Rotten is Following Me

…By which I mean John Lydon and not some euphemism for my ill-tempered husband. It started more than ten years ago in Santa Monica when I unwittingly bummed a cigarette off of him outside a now defunct record shop on Main Street. Husband put me up to it— I don’t even smoke. We were in the early days of our courtship and, despite the fact that I had no idea who I was asking for a cigarette, husband was mightily impressed with my chutzpah. And Mr. Lydon did in fact oblige me with a cigarette.

Now news has arrived through the Twittersphere that Mr. Rotten has returned, this time to a room in the inn just up the road from our cottage in the Cotswolds. It seems he is recording at the studio of our local rock star and will be in residence for the next two weeks. We are scheduled for a return visit at the tail end of his stay, and no doubt husband will be busy cultivating opportunities for another chance encounter. Guess I better take up smoking in preparation.

Cotswolds Europe

Down and Out in Paris and London

For several years now I have held the view that London is only for the very young or the very rich, and that therefore Samuel Johnson of the “…when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life” quip was full of crap. One place I never expected to tire of, however, was Paris.  Thanks to the largess of a friend of my sister’s with digs on the Île Saint Louis and the ease of traveling by Eurostar, Paris has been a favorite weekend destination for husband and me since we moved to England. And we could think of no better place to celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary last week.

But things did not begin well. We had flown to England for a few nights in the Cotswolds before heading to Paris, and on that first Saturday we drank too much wine at a sardine BBQ at the wine bar. I awoke on Sunday to find ten strips of raffle tickets in my purse that I only dimly remembered purchasing and had no idea in aid of what (this being the season of village fêtes, the possibilities were endless). Unfortunately this was not the worst after-effect of such indulgence; that was left for Monday when the two-day-deferred-morosity that is the mark of such excess set in on our train ride to Paris.

Upon our arrival the first thing we noticed was the traffic. The midday taxi ride from Gare du Nord to the center of Paris was painstaking, with every hundred-meter progression feeling like a major victory. Once on the the Île Saint Louis we observed the crush of humanity outside Notre Dame and remembered it was June and American kids were out of school. We pressed on, literally, stretching our legs on a jog to the Tuilieries and back. In the early evening we headed to our favorite café in the Marais for a glass of wine. The people watching from a pavement table was still the best in the world, but the man hawking jasmine garlands was more aggressive than usual. This was nothing compared to the affront I felt when we sat down for dinner at the bistro next door and discovered our waiter was Irish. Was it too much to ask to be treated rudely by an old French waiter for your anniversary?

The week continued and so did the list of irritations. The workers at the Musee d’Orsay went on strike closing the museum for the day.  There was a hair in my turkey club at our favorite lunch spot on the Rue Cler. It rained. I got bit by mosquitoes. The stench of urine on the cobbled banks of the Seine marred our morning jogs.  Of course there were pleasures—aside from the turkey club we ate and drank very well—but even those were suspicious given my ill-timed decision to pick up my reading of Down and Out in Paris and London on our last day.  In it Orwell expounds on his life as a plongeur in the bowels of a Paris hotel kitchen; I can only the hope the filth has subsided since he worked in the city in 1928.  By the time we boarded Eurostar back to London, the mutual feeling was of relief.

Yesterday the Cotswolds had its first true summer day, and we were there. We rode our bikes out through Hampnett and Turkedean, then Notgrove and Guiting Power, stopping for lunch at the Black Horse in Naunton, weaving through the day trippers in Lower Slaughter and Bourton-on-the-Water before heading back through Farmington and home. Poppies rouged the apple-green cheeks of the hills, and fields of linseed blooms in a sheer lavender hue provided the dose of Impressionism we had failed to get from the Orsay. It was by far the best day of the vacation.

Reading back over this I am aware I sound like a spoiled brat complaining about getting to spend a week in Paris.  On the contrary, I count my lucky stars every day that I have the kind of life right now that affords me such whims.  I know that one day before long we will be back in the U.S. where if we are lucky we will be employed, and such employment will be rewarded with a paltry ten days vacation in a currency that doesn’t go far in Europe.  When we decided to go to Paris for our anniversary it was precisely because we were thinking we won’t always have Paris.  What I forgot is that, God willing, we’ll always have the Cotswolds.

Random

Free ‘n Easy

One of the unexpected consequences of moving to Berlin is the amount of time I spend inside the cabins of Easy Jet planes. Since the move in February, I estimate my Sleazy Jet flying time has breached the twenty-hour mark, plus the same again queued up waiting like sheep in a pen for the free-for-all boarding call. That’s two whole days of my life I will never get back, like ITIL training or that afternoon I once spent in Swindon.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Among the long and varied list of bargaining points on the deal I made with husband to get him to move to Berlin, one was that we would return to the Cotswolds for a weekend every month. To break him in, I agreed to once every two weeks to start. And just when I thought I had weaned him down to a compromise agreement of once every three weeks, I somehow find him spending the entire month of May there – admittedly the nicest month of the year to be in the Cotswolds—while I fly back every weekend to see him.

As such, I have become something of an expert Easy Jet flyer. I have learned, for example, to head straight for the stairs at the back of the plane after several catfights with parents and other entitled types over trying to get the bulkhead seat. I didn’t mind the catfight part (kind of like it, actually), I just realized that you can exit as fast from the last row as the first, while avoiding the discomfort of the front row where you face the Easy Jet flight attendants head on and feel obligated to engage in small talk. And I do feel obligated because I can’t help feeling sorry for them. They never seem to get to spend the night anywhere they fly—surely the main perq of being a flight attendant—but rather just do a couple of out-and-back short hauls each day. I am pretty convinced they get commission for the tat they peddle on the plane (scratch cards for gods sake!), which makes the job more or less the equivalent of working in a 7-Eleven in the sky.

My father was an airline pilot so as a kid, standby gods willing, I got to fly Pan Am first class, complete with cloth napkins, mini salt and pepper shakers, and multi-course meals. Things are different now. Next time you fly Easy Jet from Berlin to Bristol, turn around and see who’s sitting in the back row. If it’s a woman eating Mini Cheddars and drinking a mini plastic bottle of South African rosé on the rocks, chances are that’s me.

Cotswolds England

Royal Wedding Red Carpet

All the Cotswolds, even this folly, was decked out yesterday for the royal wedding.  Well, that’s not totally true.  Despite my earlier assertion that the ladies of the Cotswolds would be wearing their finest hats for the viewing at the wine bar, I was the only one (unless you count L.’s floppy straw number and a couple of men in baseball caps).  In fact attendance was rather sparse when husband and I first arrived at 9:30AM.  In a classic Toff display of the middle-finger-to-the-world attitude, A., one of the scariest dames of the neighboring villages, hadn’t even bothered to put in her dentures.  I guess she didn’t really need them for the coffee with a snifter side car of something or other she was drinking.  She did, however, seem amused by my small-pink-bird-just-exploded-on-my-head hat, quipping with a front-toothless smile that there was still time to make it to the Abbey.  Vera, the eight-year old pug who had the bar stool next to me, also seemed to like my hat.  Or at least my croissant.

By the time I was on to my first Bellini of the morning the place had started to fill up.  This provided me with an audience for my running red carpet commentary on the guests, something the BBC broadcast was too dignified to provide.  It went something like this:

  • Pippa the sister should have never been allowed to wear white.  If it wasn’t for her spray tan she may have stolen the show.
  • Eugenie and Beatrice did steal the show, but not in a good way.  In an ugly stepsisters in a Cinderella panto kind of way.
  • The Queen looked radiant in yellow.  Not a hint of Big Bird despite my initial fears when I first glimpsed her in her car on the way to the Abbey.
  • Advice to Harry: stand up straight.
  • Advice to Wills: shave it off.
  • Advice to SamCam (PM’s wife): next time wear a hat.
  • I shouldn’t have liked Miriam González Durántez’s (Deputy PM’s wife) Cruella de Vil get up but I did.  It takes guts to wear a floral turban to the Abbey.  Very Sunset Boulevard.

and finally,

  • Best hat goes to Zara Phillips for her silvery-black tilted UFO.

Congratulations, William and Catherine!

Cotswolds

Back in the Wolds

Arrived back in the Cotswolds on Wednesday night for a few days of rural refreshment before a trip out to California then back again in time for the royal wedding. Enough royal wedding memorabilia to fill a small warehouse had been delivered in the post (tea towels for everyone!), including the Emma Bridgewater mug pictured from which I am currently drinking my morning coffee. I appreciate the way Ms. Bridgewater managed to make the helicopters (emblem of Will’s profession as a search and rescue helicopter pilot) look sort of like flowers if you squint, but it’s too bad the initials of the royal couple are the same as those used to indicate bathroom facilities in the UK.

Also awaiting me was the May issue of Cotswold Life magazine, a periodical in which I had pretty much lost interest when I was living here full-time. I preferred the New Yorker to say the monthly Cotswold Pub Dog column in which, yes, a local pub dog gets his own column in which to inform the public of his favourite pub snack, favourite spot in the bar, and favourite customer. But now that I am back living full-time in the big, bad urban-ness of Berlin, I sopped up Cotswold Life like it was some kind of life-prolonging tonic.

In typical idiosyncratic style, the opening article managed to both bemoan the cancellation for the second year in a row of Cheese Rolling down Cooper’s Hill, a nearly two-century old Cotswold tradition, and extol the virtues of smoking. The second article was a newish (well, new since I stopped reading regularly) column by a woman who calls herself Cotswold Mother. Very annoying since that is obviously the perfect spot for the American in the Cotswolds column. And then there was my favorite, the property pages, which reminded me how very rich this area is and how very rich I am not. The description in one ad for a manor and estate in nearby Withington included a minstrels’ gallery, bothy, and manège, none of which are architectural features with which I am familiar (although the first one sounds disturbingly, to an American, like a venue for a minstrel show). Like the old saying goes, if you have to ask you can’t afford it!

Cotswolds England

Royal Wedding Fever

I was nine years old when Prince Charles married Diana, and I still remember getting up early in the morning to watch the grainy broadcast in the family room of my suburban Southwest Florida home. I was glued to the television. I wanted to be Diana—not because she got to marry Charles but because she got to wear those acres of cream puff silk—or at the very least one of her bridesmaids, who I thought were the luckiest girls in the world. And now that their son, William, is getting married I am just as engrossed.

For one thing I now have a personal, if very tenuous, connection to the royal couple. It was at a wedding in the very church of our very Cotswold village where the couple appeared together in public for the first time in months last October. In the universe of royal watchers, this was a highly significant event and fueled speculation (correctly as it turns out) that the announcement of their engagement was imminent.

My own preparations for the royal wedding are well under way.  To start with, I will be leaving a business meeting in San Francisco a few hours early in order to make the 6:55PM flight that will get me back to the UK on time. (If anybody asks, I’m prepared to defend my decision with an explanation that, as a UK passport holder, I am virtually obligated to be present in the green and pleasant land to witness the big event.) I will be taking the day off so that we can watch the wedding from the wine bar, which will be hosting a prosecco and bunting studded big-screen viewing. The ladies of the surrounding villages have already agreed to arrive in hats, and my own, a hot pink number that last had an outing at Royal Ascot some years ago, will soon be retrieved from its pentagonal box in the far reaches of the wardrobe. I plan to pair it with my Target-Lily-Pulitzer-knock-off sundress and a pair of vintage pink crystal strawberry-shaped clip on earrings. I’m sure I’ll still be basking in the afterglow when I drink my coffee out of my Kate and William commemorative mug the next morning.

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More tea, vicar?

Today we went to church in GP after an unintended hiatus of some months. The new vicar was there, of whom we had heard much about earlier in the year in anticipation of her September arrival to the benefice. By her gender alone she would make a departure from the beloved previous vicar, the aptly named Godfrey. But based on those early descriptions I was also expecting a whirling dervish with a shock of flame-coloured curls. It turns out she is a modest forty-something with only a hint of ginger in her wavy bob. She was still feeling her way around her new congregation, and we weren’t making things easy on her. When she started the service by asking Dorothy to light the first candle of Advent, Dorothy duly informed her we usually didn’t light the candle until we started singing the first hymn. Wisely, the vicar agreed to this change of plan.

That first hymn got off to a shaky start. Our normal organist wasn’t there, and the doddering old gent who was sitting in for him attacked it double time. As we struggled to keep up with the melody and get the odd breath in, Dorothy sauntered up to attend to her Advent candle lighting duties. Just as the vicar was getting her rhythm in the second Bible reading, the organist interjected with a sharp musical note. It was unclear if he thought she was done, was just trying to add some emphasis to the last verse, or had fallen asleep and struck his head on the keys. This musical Tourettes continued, puncturing the prayers of intercession and the sermon as well. To make matters worse, the rest of the morning’s hymns were unfamiliar, leaving the diminutive congregation guessing at which “of” had three vowels versus one and whether or not you were supposed to repeat the fifth line of each verse three times — the kind of nuance in hymns that depends on the collective memory of the congregation. Despite all this the vicar soldiered on, dispatching an efficient Holy Communion and greeting us all with a smile on our way out. We haven’t broken her yet, but give Dorothy some time.

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Did I Mention…

Yesterday afternoon we stopped into the wine bar for a postprandial glass or three. Henry the shepherd (of the lambing and Worcestershire livestock market field trips documented in this blog) was also there. In the course of casual conversation he let slip he will be appearing in an episode of the reality show about Liz Hurley’s life on her farm. (Ms. Hurley has a farm about ten miles south of where we live.) Not only that, he has in fact done multiple shepherding duties for Ms. Hurley over recent years.

“How could you not mention this to me before, Henry?” I nearly shouted at him.

The more genteel amongst our group were busy guffawing over the fact that Liz refers to her four hundred-acre farm as an estate (which apparently requires, at a minimum, cottages). I was already off planning a screening party for Henry’s upcoming appearance and posting that I know Liz Hurley’s shepherd on Facebook, both of which are decent enough reasons why he’s never mentioned this to me before.

P.S. The Romanian dream is dead. Two years was the deal breaker in the end. New dreams of Berlin or the U.S. brewing…

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Scandal

Husband has not been invited to this year’s Court Leet, the men-of-the-village-only dinner that’s been going on continuously since the thirteenth century that he was so proud to have been invited to for the last two years. He thought P. was just winding him up when he asked him if he had received his invitation yet, but it turns out the invites really have gone out and one has not come through our door. He is more upset about this than he’d like to admit and has come up with several conspiracy theories by way of explanation, including the fact that we hang out all the time with our gay weekender friends, R&R — if this is really the case I tell him he should be proud to be excluded — and that he made the faux pas of wearing jeans to last year’s event. In a fight over the weekend I tell him it’s because he has developed a reputation for being loud and obnoxious and everybody in the village can hear him screaming and yelling at me. Despite my assertion I feel bad he’s been excluded, like the mother of the only kid in the class not invited to the birthday party.

I too have my own exclusion worries. On Thursday my company announced they were laying off 12% of my division, not totally unexpected. I tell myself I am not in the bottom performing 12% and other rationalizations meant to reassure, but on Saturday night I wake up at 1AM and can’t go back to sleep for the stress. Read Rachel Johnson’s hilarious book about her first year as editor of The Lady to calm myself back down. All she was asked to do was lower the average age of readers from 78 to 40-something and double circulation in the middle of a recession to prevent the magazine from going under, which helps put my job stress into perspective.