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Cotswolds England

Drag for the Under-Eights

After more than five years in England, I was pretty sure I had exhausted the repertoire of traditional British experiences. I’ve attended the grand sporting triumvirate of Ascot, Henley and Wimbledon. I’ve wanged-the-wellie at a village fête. I’ve even eaten haggis to celebrate a Scottish poet I’ve never read. But until last Saturday night, I had never attended a panto.

British pantomime is a Christmas theatrical tradition that seems to follow the format of fairytale — Cinderella in our case — with a twist. The purpose of these twists, like the walk-on role of the gorilla, seem to be entirely to encourage audience participation; the form is to shout “it’s behind you,” when said gorilla appears. You can also sing along to the updated musical numbers. We had a lot of Take That, but the best was the rendition of Adam and the Ants’ Prince Charming. Then there is Buttons, the narrator/bumbling suitor of Cinders, who encourages participation from the moms, dads, and kids in attendance. Apparently Buttons wasn’t expecting our group of six, childless adults in the second row. I decided to help out the dads, who seemed the quietest of the constituencies.

Then of course there was the drag. The ugly stepsisters were expected. What wasn’t expected was that Prince Charming and his page would be played by women, which meant the central romance of the story was girl-on-girl. Suddenly the origins of stereotypical British sexual confusion became clear; this is, after all, the entertainment Britons are weaned on. I did seem to be the only one in the audience shocked by it though. The under-eights squealed with delight throughout.

Random

Shanghai Blues

Welcome to ShangHai
Evaded affection
Pieces of pieces of the Heart
Thank you
Very Much

And so read the bag in which the hand-tailored clothes smelling of Chinese food and cigarettes was delivered to me on the last night of my visit to Shanghai. It’s a cheap shot to poke fun at translations, but I really like this one. It’s poetic, an off-kilter haiku.

My week in Shanghai started with a shopping trip on which I ordered the above mentioned clothes (which, smell aside, turned out beautifully). Shortly after touching down at Pudong airport, our personal shopper, Francine of East of the Sun, collected us from the hotel and took us on a whirlwind tour of cloth markets, pearl vendors, silk-binders, and cashmere boutiques in the French concession, with a welcome stop for a street snack of savory, glutinous rice-filled dumplings. The rest of the week was work-dominated, but there were other highlights like the Chinese banquet on our second night. After about ten dishes of varying degrees of identifiability (including tofu, something that looked like a stingray and was delicious, and meat of some kind with red chilies), the pièce de résistance arrived: hairy crab. I am a fairly adventurous eater, but on the advice of the more adventurous woman sitting next to me, I simply admired rather than indulged in the seasonal delicacy. I did, however, enjoy the red bean curd-filled dessert dumpling that looked and felt exactly like a silicon breast for a doll, right down to the crowning red dot. My final highlight of the trip was discovering a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in the ground floor of the office building of Thomson-Reuters, where we went for a presentation. They don’t even have those in London. And yes, I can confirm that a Coffee Bean latte tastes exactly the same in Shanghai as it does on Main Street in Santa Monica.

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More tea, vicar?

Today we went to church in GP after an unintended hiatus of some months. The new vicar was there, of whom we had heard much about earlier in the year in anticipation of her September arrival to the benefice. By her gender alone she would make a departure from the beloved previous vicar, the aptly named Godfrey. But based on those early descriptions I was also expecting a whirling dervish with a shock of flame-coloured curls. It turns out she is a modest forty-something with only a hint of ginger in her wavy bob. She was still feeling her way around her new congregation, and we weren’t making things easy on her. When she started the service by asking Dorothy to light the first candle of Advent, Dorothy duly informed her we usually didn’t light the candle until we started singing the first hymn. Wisely, the vicar agreed to this change of plan.

That first hymn got off to a shaky start. Our normal organist wasn’t there, and the doddering old gent who was sitting in for him attacked it double time. As we struggled to keep up with the melody and get the odd breath in, Dorothy sauntered up to attend to her Advent candle lighting duties. Just as the vicar was getting her rhythm in the second Bible reading, the organist interjected with a sharp musical note. It was unclear if he thought she was done, was just trying to add some emphasis to the last verse, or had fallen asleep and struck his head on the keys. This musical Tourettes continued, puncturing the prayers of intercession and the sermon as well. To make matters worse, the rest of the morning’s hymns were unfamiliar, leaving the diminutive congregation guessing at which “of” had three vowels versus one and whether or not you were supposed to repeat the fifth line of each verse three times — the kind of nuance in hymns that depends on the collective memory of the congregation. Despite all this the vicar soldiered on, dispatching an efficient Holy Communion and greeting us all with a smile on our way out. We haven’t broken her yet, but give Dorothy some time.

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Did I Mention…

Yesterday afternoon we stopped into the wine bar for a postprandial glass or three. Henry the shepherd (of the lambing and Worcestershire livestock market field trips documented in this blog) was also there. In the course of casual conversation he let slip he will be appearing in an episode of the reality show about Liz Hurley’s life on her farm. (Ms. Hurley has a farm about ten miles south of where we live.) Not only that, he has in fact done multiple shepherding duties for Ms. Hurley over recent years.

“How could you not mention this to me before, Henry?” I nearly shouted at him.

The more genteel amongst our group were busy guffawing over the fact that Liz refers to her four hundred-acre farm as an estate (which apparently requires, at a minimum, cottages). I was already off planning a screening party for Henry’s upcoming appearance and posting that I know Liz Hurley’s shepherd on Facebook, both of which are decent enough reasons why he’s never mentioned this to me before.

P.S. The Romanian dream is dead. Two years was the deal breaker in the end. New dreams of Berlin or the U.S. brewing…

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Get a Cluj

On Monday I got a call from my boss’s boss. He asked me to take a deep breath, which is not the kind of thing you want to hear when your company just announced lay-offs the week before. So I took a deep breath and listened as he told me my “name had come up” to run the office in Cluj and asked if I would be interested.

It took a few beats to register that I had just been asked to move to Romania, which he kindly clarified as an option not a mandate. My first reaction was to tell him I didn’t think that would work for husband and me, but I also said I would think about it. That night I called husband, who was in London. He was unimpressed and informed me if I moved to Romania I would be moving there by myself. His reaction was predictable enough. He had, after all, been hoping for a corporate transfer to California, a far cry from the “-nia” now on the table.

Somehow, though, I couldn’t shake the idea of moving to the land of Nadia Comaneci and Dracula, and the next morning I composed an email to husband telling him I thought we should at least consider the merits of the offer. I enumerated those as a more southerly latitude, the opportunity for him to become a kept man and spend a year indulging his creativity, maybe by making a documentary, and the fact that I already had the title for the book I was going to write, Getting a Cluj: Letters from Transylvania. Whatever I said worked, and husband soon started emailing me lists of demands for when I spoke to my boss’s boss later that day — we both agreed the assignment would have to be limited to a year. Husband also told our friend R. about our potential move, who responded by tagging us in pictures of Romania on Facebook that looked like stills from Borat (see above shot of Black Sea bathing beauties on Romania’s version of Muscle Beach). By the end of the day husband was referring to himself as “Count” and had decided that his documentary would be a daily video diary in which he morphs into Bram Stoker’s Dracula one crushed velvet jacket, top hat, and long fingernail at a time.

Unfortunately, I had also had another call with my boss’s boss by the end of the day, who informed me the assignment was for two years. Again I told him I would think about it, which husband and I did that evening over a bottle of red, this being a bottle-of-wine kind of discussion if ever there was one. Despite our best efforts to convince ourselves otherwise, we concluded our curiosity had a one-year limit. And so on Wednesday I sent my boss’s boss a polite email explaining that two years was out of the question, but noting that I thought we could make it work for a year along with the standard drivel about my “confidence in my ability to make an impact” in that time frame.

I expected a prompt reply thanking me for considering it, reiterating the necessity of a two-year commitment, and closing the matter. Instead, more than twenty-four hours later, I’ve gotten no response. Could he possibly be considering my twelve-month proposal? For the moment, the dream of living in the land of Nadia Comaneci and Dracula lives on.

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DDB, 1949-2010

Yesterday we went to David Double-Barrelled’s memorial service. There were more than five-hundred people and a eulogy whose highlights included an anecdote about when DDB learned to ski in France wearing a Harris tweed blazer and plus fours (his real sporting love was shooting). This was the picture on the back cover of the order of service, and it sums him up so well: the juxtaposition of top hat and pint, face erupted into the smoky, full-throttled laugh I can still hear now. DDB, RIP.

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Scandal

Husband has not been invited to this year’s Court Leet, the men-of-the-village-only dinner that’s been going on continuously since the thirteenth century that he was so proud to have been invited to for the last two years. He thought P. was just winding him up when he asked him if he had received his invitation yet, but it turns out the invites really have gone out and one has not come through our door. He is more upset about this than he’d like to admit and has come up with several conspiracy theories by way of explanation, including the fact that we hang out all the time with our gay weekender friends, R&R — if this is really the case I tell him he should be proud to be excluded — and that he made the faux pas of wearing jeans to last year’s event. In a fight over the weekend I tell him it’s because he has developed a reputation for being loud and obnoxious and everybody in the village can hear him screaming and yelling at me. Despite my assertion I feel bad he’s been excluded, like the mother of the only kid in the class not invited to the birthday party.

I too have my own exclusion worries. On Thursday my company announced they were laying off 12% of my division, not totally unexpected. I tell myself I am not in the bottom performing 12% and other rationalizations meant to reassure, but on Saturday night I wake up at 1AM and can’t go back to sleep for the stress. Read Rachel Johnson’s hilarious book about her first year as editor of The Lady to calm myself back down. All she was asked to do was lower the average age of readers from 78 to 40-something and double circulation in the middle of a recession to prevent the magazine from going under, which helps put my job stress into perspective.

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Suzie’s

Today I did something I’ve been meaning to do for a very long time: I stopped for breakfast on my way to work at Suzie’s, a roadside trailer with a bright red awning parked on a turnout near Seven Springs. Suzie’s is not of the gourmet food truck ilk that I’ve read has swept Los Angeles, but rather a standard British burger van. You can order pretty much any combination of the basic elements of a traditional British fry up, and it’s delivered in a bap (bun), which is good for absorbing the brown sauce and grease. I chose egg and tomato with a cup of tea. While Suzie cooked she chatted with another woman customer about the three chaps in plus fours leaning against their Land Rover and eating bacon butties. (Despite the fact that shooting clothes are a familiar sight this time of year, seeing them still reminds me of golfers from the 1920s.) They had apparently committed the serious offense of paying for their breakfast with large bills.

“What do you expect from someone who pays £43 to shoot a bird out of the sky,” Suzie remarked.

I checked my wallet and breathed a sigh of relief to see a £10 note, which didn’t seem too egregious for about £4 worth of breakfast. When she handed over my bap I opened it to find mushroom and tomato instead of egg and tomato. I hesitated for a moment before asking her to add an egg — I didn’t want to annoy her like the shooting party had. She did insist I had asked for mushroom and tomato, which she claimed to remember because she thought it was strange, but she was cracking the egg at the same time as defending herself so I figured she wasn’t too mad. Then she asked me where I was from and what I thought about the British weather, so I knew I was OK in Suzie’s book. And it turns out mushroom, egg, and tomato makes a good bap, good enough for Suzie’s to become a weekly tradition.

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Jewish Family Envy

Last week my parents went to Stanley Freeman’s 70th birthday party. Stanley is the father of one my best childhood friends, and she was in attendance along with her gynecologist and dentist brothers, and all three of their spouses. There were also four grandchildren and, for good measure, the dentist brother used the occasion to announce his wife was pregnant. On our weekly call my parents went on and on about the filet mignon and the speeches the kids gave and how funny Stanley’s wife, Rivanne, was with her five martinis, but I’m pretty sure all that progeny made quite an impression too.

My parents have a long tradition of Jewish family envy. I know it’s a stereotype, but the truth is all the Jewish families we know are big and close and successful. It makes quite a contrast to our own family’s grandchild-lessness and waspish trademark lack of warmth and intimacy. It’s not that we don’t like each other, it’s just that we’re not very touchy feely about it. I, for one, am quite happy with our familial arrangement and have no desire to be “friends” with my parents. And frankly, none of us can really be bothered. While the weight of responsibility for the family being grandchild free rests squarely on my shoulders, my parents aren’t going out of their way either. Despite the fact that I’ve lived in England for five years, they haven’t found the energy to pay a visit.

The last time my parents admired a Jewish family this much was when my cousin married into one. The wedding was an extravagant affair at a ski resort in Utah, culminating in a Sunday champagne brunch thrown by the groom’s grandparents. At breakfast the bride’s family took a backseat as the groom’s family toasted each other with lavish compliments highlighting their multi-generational successes. My parents were suitably impressed.

The happy couple were divorced within a year, and while I take no pleasure in the breakup of my cousin’s marriage, I do view it as a cautionary tale for my parents. For now, the closest my family is going to get to being Jewish is a bowl of matzo ball soup at Canter’s Deli.